“The Democratic Primary Debate Qualification Process Is A Sick Joke” by Max Bootlick

It’s time we took a good long hard look at the Democratic Primary Debate qualification process. No, I could not possibly care less about the arbitrary poll selection threshold designed to exclude people like Tulsi Gabbard. And no, I don’t care in the least that there is no clear standard that the poll makers must comply with in order to ensure the appropriate demographics are polled. We live in a Democracy. According to the Citizens United ruling, money equals speech. The real unfairness here is that Tom Steyer has thus far been unable to buy his way into the debates.

You heard me correct. Thanks to an incredibly unfair primary qualification system, Tom Steyer can’t buy his way into the debates. Last I checked, the founding fathers never wrote in the Constitution that billionaires aren’t better people than poor people and shouldn’t be able to do what they want with their money. It’s a clear travesty of justice that Tom Steyer bought millions of dollars of Facebook ads in order to con poor people into giving him money, only to still be excluded from the debates. After all that effort, Tom Steyer successfully managed to meet the individual donor threshold, yet now he’s being held to the absurd standard of having to appeal to regular poor, middle-class, and mildly rich people.

But don’t fret Tom Steyer-ites, I have a message to all the naysayers: underestimate billionaires at your own peril. Tom Steyer’s running a brilliant TV spot to appeal to everyday poor people which could prove a game-changer. It starts with “I started a tiny investment firm…” and proceeds to educate the public that he’s uniquely qualified to fight Trump on the economy. Personally, it touched home for me. Reminding me of my similar upbringing – being raised by a Wall Street lawyer, then going to Yale and Stanford, then starting a tiny investment firm, then working at Morgan Stanley, then working at Goldman Sachs, then selling risky hedge funds and ultimately becoming a billionaire from fossil fuel investments. Normal relatable stuff sure to appeal to the masses. Tom’s one of us, I thought – as I’m sure most did after being relentlessly bombarded with the billionaire’s ads.

If Tom doesn’t end up making it to the debates, all is not lost. I suggest we continue to cast our protest dollars to make a bold statement against the progressives taking over the party. Let’s tell the poors that we’re not caving to guys like Bernie, who want to fix our healthcare system. In the long haul, this is a battle that the poors can never win, so don’t fret that Tom Steyer is ever going to let them sour his day. Steyer continues living the life of a noble billionaire. Most importantly, he’s still proudly investing in private prisons, a hugely popular endeavor with the Kamala Harris “lock em up” wing of the progressive party. Please consider donating to the Tom Steyer GoFundMe campaign when the time arises. I know I will.


Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at DoucheLeaks.com) is at least 90% parody.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s