Kirsten Gillibrand Releases Flexible “Whatever Bernie Said” Platform.

In an innovative first, Kirsten Gillibrand announces that her platform will literally mirror Bernie’s. Accordingly, she also pledges to say all the things Bernie supporters want to hear. Said Gillibrand, “They don’t call me Kirsten Build-A-Brand for nothing.” Few people doubt Buildabrand’s resolve to embrace and incorporate the new rhetoric – after all, she once hailed herself as the most conservative person in her state’s legislature. Being known as a “Shape-shifter” throughout her career has served her well.

After inheriting her seat in New York, Buildabrand rapidly morphed from a Blue Dog Democrat into Hillary, thanks to the tutelage of Chuck Schumer and Hillary herself. Nearly overnight, Buildabrand went from opposing gay marriage to supporting it. From supporting the Bush tax cuts to admonishing them. From wanting to expand government surveillance to curtailing their power. From seeking to deputize a deportation force for “illegals” to being a staunch ally to “undocumented workers.”

If there’s one thing that I learned from Hillary, it’s that talk is cheap. So why not say the right things? Not sure if you’ve seen my fundraising numbers, but cheap fits my budget perfectly, and I can’t afford anyone disagreeing with me. Initially, I considered just supporting whatever polls best, but then I realized that was a bit too risky, considering most of Bernie’s platform wasn’t popular until he started promoting it. I don’t want to take any chance of being on the wrong side here, so I’m for Bernie’s platform, period. It’s so refreshing to finally have people agree with me everywhere I go. People love Bernie’s platform and I love saying I support it. Win. Win.

Buildabrand 4-18-19

Only time will tell if Buildabrand will stay true to her pledge to parrot Bernie, but to date, she’s remained consistent. When asked about her position on Free College, Kirsten responded, “I have to agree with Bernie.” Questioned about her thoughts on the Green New Deal, she enthusiastically offered, “100% what Bernie said. Nothing less will do.” Asked if she supports Medicare For All, “Sure, why not?” Asked how she proposes to pay for it, she replied “Why are you asking me? Ask Bernie. We’re in complete agreement.”


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