Beto Standing On Things Pays Off – For The Public.

Robert “Beto” O’Rourke has a reputation of brazenly climbing on top of things to deliver his message from the highest perch possible. Reactions to his standing atop the tables where people were often just eating food range from “disgusting,” “arrogant,” “elitist,” to “some privileged white-boy sh*t.” Despite a majority of people finding the habit (as well as his over-confidence and lack of policy) off-putting, many have begun auctioning off items that Beto has stood on.

Beto stood on top of Dave’s minivan in Iowa. Says Dave, “Out of nowhere, this tall and lanky guy climbs on top of my car in the parking lot to give an impromptu speech to 7 or 8 people. All I can recall was a lot of ‘moments in time’ and ‘American ingenuity.’ He said those things a lot. I was pissed, but his kids were there, so I let it go. Which reminds me, the guy was dropping F bombs left and right in front of them. Who does that? Not someone I’d elect President, that’s for sure. Anyway, he ended up caving in the roof of my minivan and I was looking at $400 in repairs. Turns out there are 1000 or so idiots that worship the dude, so I put my minivan up for sale as something Beto stood on, and boom…I not only recouped the damages, but made an extra $300 bucks. I’ll never vote for him, but he can stand on my new minivan anytime.”

Patty in Michigan answered her doorbell and was surprised to be greeted by Beto himself, going door to door in her neighborhood. “I barely recognized the guy because I don’t watch TV for my news. Those shows are just there to prop up corporate candidates. Anyway, the guy’s super tall…he towers over me…which made it even odder when he stormed into my house and climbed on top of my coffee table and began waving his arms around like a lunatic, ranting about time or something. He started calling out objects in the room by name, like ‘this oriental rug’ while pointing at it ‘is due to America,’ stuff like that. One object after another. He called my cat a ‘great ingenious American cat.’ I’m astounded that this guy’s even running. Anyway, I sold my coffee table, with his muddy footprints still on it, to some lady in his cult, who was following the camera circus around, for $50 more than I paid for it. Don’t answer the door for strangers, is the lesson.”

Debbie in New Hampshire ran into Beto at a sandwich shop. According to Debbie, “This guy comes in with a camera crew and 30 or so reporters, doesn’t even introduce himself, and climbs up onto my table, stepping on my tuna sandwich. The mother fu**er even included my sandwich in his speech, something about ‘at this moment in time, atop this American sandwich, made from American ingenuity….yadda yadda.’ Seriously, what the f**k did I just hear? And who the f** would vote for this moron? I’m a Democrat, not falling for the guy who votes Republican, takes loads of oil money and lost to Ted fu**ing Cruz, thanks. But I knew he has a crazy fan base of old ladies and teenagers fawning over his calves, so I put it on Ebay and sold my sandwich a week later, already moldy, for $27. Donated that sh*t to Bernie.”

It’s too soon to predict how well Beto will due in the primaries, but it’s clear that he’s enjoying the process. Said Beto, “I was born for this s**t. Beats the f**k out of a real job.”

Disclaimer: For the less than brilliant, this article (and all content found at DoucheLeaks.com) is at least 90% parody.