Bowling With Beto

A one-on-one sit down interview Robert “Beto” O’Rourke, who preferred to stand.


Interviewer: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to grant me a few minutes of your time.

Beto: I’ve been thinking about this Mr. Hand. If I’m here and you’re here, doesn’t that make it our time? Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with a little feast on our time.

Interviewer: You’re quoting Fast Times at Ridgemont High now?

Beto: Busted. Okay okay, let’s start. America. This bowling alley is a symbol of all that unites us. The wood on the floor. American wood. This ball-return. American ingenuity. This small table I’m standing on, is a table where American people eat American hot dogs, or American hamburgers, or American Pizza, or even American Tacos. At this moment in time…

Interviewer: [Snaps fingers]. Beto! Beto! [Snaps fingers again]. Here boy!!

Beto: Whoa thanks man. It’s gnarly on the road. Sometimes I just get lost in my head. The words just come to me and I don’t even have the ability to stop. I literally can’t even stop the words. So good. Or my arms. It’s inspiring. At this exact moment in time, this very American moment in…

Interviewer: Beto!!! Beto!!! [Beto stops and stares] Get off the damned table and sit down for a second. [steps down and takes a seat]

Beto: Fuck, did I do it again? I’m really good. The words flow through me like a gift from somewhere, someplace way up above the sky. Usually I don’t even know what I say, or what it means, but god damned. Powerful.

Interviewer: Thank you. First Question. You’ve recently said you support “Medicare For America,” not “Medicare For All.” Can you explain the distinction and why you’re not supporting Medicare For All?

Beto: Great questions. Fair questions.

Interviewer: And?

Beto: Sorry, I was waiting to channel the answer. [closes eyes for 10 seconds]. Ok, got it. [Climbs atop the ball-return machine]. America. [points at me]. America is the greatest country in the history of all the great countries. But the America at this precise moment in time isn’t living up to the full potential of an America where people love their insurance and healthcare. Medicare For America is how we get there.

Interviewer: What does that even mean?

Beto: [His family walks up behind me]. My wife and kids are here! Fuck yes! A great man. Probably the greatest, once said “Let us not ask what we can do.” Those words are my fuel. I’m doing this for not just America, but for my wife and kids, so they can have an America where anyone’s dad or husband can be President. More precisely, where that fucking kid’s dad is the actual President. Fuck yes. The greatest country on earth. [hops off ball-return machine, fist bumps me and gets in line to return his bowling shoes].


Disclaimer: In case you’re not so bright, this (and all content at DoucheLeaks) is parody.

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