Biden Pledges 80% Less Hair Huffing

Acknowledging that the optics are less than optimal, Joe Biden confronts the issue of his unwanted gropings head on. Said a top staffer “Joe truly understands that times have changed and the retail politics style he’s widely known for, primarily rubbing backs and noses with women, no longer fits today’s culture. As such, we’ve adopted Joe a long-haired dog named Rosie to fill in as a surrogate, should his urge to huff hair arise.” Said Joe, “My bitch is working out great.” Only time will tell if Biden can survive the 8 or so women who have already come forward, not to mention the roughly 3,532 photos of awkward hair huffings yet to make the news.

Said Biden “I truly get it. Truly. I do. I’ll do it much less even. I can no longer walk up behind a woman I’ve never met, squeeze her hips, gently stroke her neck with my nose, and inhale her hair. And I won’t. Really. I won’t. At least 80% less often. In my era, you didn’t just get to know people, you really got in there and you pressed the flesh until you could recognize them by scent. Times have changed. I. Get it. It’s not 2015 anymore is the point people are making. And I get it. I do. The vast majority of the members of the Democratic Party enjoy gentle nuzzles, especially the kids, but I get it. Millennials may never understand. I get that. And that’s fine.” Asked if losing support with the biggest voting bloc, millennials, could be a problem in 2020, Joe responded “Give me a break. Really? I’m supposed to care about what a gaggle of lazy whiny bastards think? Hog malarky. But I get it.”

Disclaimer: In case you’re not the smartest, this article is parody (as is all content at DoucheLeaks).

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